My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
