the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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