My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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