This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
