Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs