I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
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I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
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I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.