I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
