I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
