I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.