i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Pooping to opera.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
