Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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