I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
