The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize