just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today