We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there