it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
COCAINE IS GR8
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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