You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was born a porn star she said
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
