nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
