I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
handjob tips. give me some.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
