I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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