I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
