It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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