i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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