I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
