if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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