i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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