mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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