I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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