It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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