I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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