I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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