mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
