mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
