you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
