I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
