She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
