You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
