Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
