I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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