I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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