I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
