I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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