i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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