I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
