soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
