i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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