My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
