I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
