and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
