Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
