You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
