D3 body, D1 cock
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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