just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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