Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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