I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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