I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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